To Feel is to Be Seen

   To heal is important and something we all want after we’ve been broken. We are all broken, broken by different things. Some by other people, some through ourselves. Some of us put the blame on ourselves and some of us put the blame on them. But we all have different mechanisms for healing. But do they work? I don’t know. I just know that Jesus is the answer. That He is the only One that can make the broken one feel whole again.

   For me, I hate processes. I am probably the most impatient person you will ever meet. I know I have to work on it, and it is a subject of a lot of prayer. But it is still there – hate waiting for answers. And that comes into my ability to heal too. I would rather just rationalize everything and not feel. Feeling can lead to pain, feeling can lead to weakness, feeling can also lead to joy. But sometimes, after being hurt the joy seems too small a chance to validate feeling again.

   So, my “healing strategy” has been to move on. To pretend I was never hurt. To not talk about it, not worry about it, pretend nothing ever happened at all. I try to erase every detail from my mind, I delete all the pictures, don’t listen to any songs that remind me of it and then I just forget about it. This way of speedy recovery works great on the outside when you live a demanding life. You can function, you aren’t crying, people don’t have to offer you sympathy, and you come off as generally – pretty strong. But it creates a cave in your heart. A cave that just keeps growing, collecting the negative of your soul and yawning wider and wider until you are either faced with never feeling again – or dealing with all that nastiness.

   Choosing to deal with all that nastiness is difficult when you begin to struggle and don’t seem to have a reason to. It is like running a marathon and then stopping because your leg got so cramped it couldn’t move, but instead of letting your teammates show sympathy, you told them everything was good and you just decided you didn’t like running. Only to later have to amputate the leg and your teammates, comfort, and support are nowhere to be found.

   That’s a tight spot to be in. But thankfully, it isn’t the end of the world. I was sitting on my couch today thinking about all this. Sometimes I feel dry inside, a lack of empathy and so not myself. And where does it come from? It comes from ignoring how I feel. It comes from trying to forget, rather than trying to heal. So now, I am trying to remember, to remember and bring every feeling before the throne of God. He knows them. And to let Him heal it, one piece at a time. Hopefully this encourages you to do the same. Don't run away, don't bottle it up, face it and pray and heal.